What Makes Anxiety a Problem?

I've been thinking quite a bit about what flips anxiety and fear on its head and turns it into a life shattering problem. If you read and tune into the media and Westernized notions of health and wellness, the answer is clear: too much anxiety is a problem, and that anxiety is seen as a major obstacle to a vital life. I know it is hard to define "too much," but the idea is so entrenched that it makes sense. I wonder about that message.

Intense anxiety and other forms of human pain and discomfort are talked about as good reasons for this or that, and particularly for not doing this or that. You can look at this for yourself. Have you ever said something like "I can't go or do _______ [insert something that is important to you or that you would like to do] because I might get/feel/think _______ [insert a thought or feeling that you don't like to think or feel]. As soon as we do that, we are doing two things that are really set ups for struggle.

The first is our tendency to tell stories about our experience in the form of reasons. Often, when we do this, our stories place our emotional discomfort between us and doing what is important and vital. This can take many forms. For instance, "I can't fly in a plane because I might panic," or "I don't want to go to the party because I might get nervous and embarrass myself." Or, "I don't express my love for someone I care deeply about because I'm steaming mad," or "Don't go out to a movie or a dinner with friends because I am feeling depressed, empty, or unlikable."

Once this happens, it is natural to buy our stories and what they mean. And, if you look closely at them, you'll see that in order to do what you want to do, you'll need to take care of the discomfort that seems to stand between you and that doing. This can lead you to doing many things to make the discomfort go away. The list here is legion, really.

And, if you follow this unchecked, it can lead you to places you'd rather not be. So, when you're feeling mad, you'll need to get that under wraps to show love, caring, and appreciation to those you care about. That means you'll be spending time struggling to get a handle on your feelings of anger while opportunities to show love (even with the anger feelings) slip away. If you're anxious, you'll need to get calm in order to do certain things. The same is true of panic, or worry, or upsetting thoughts, and the like. These and more are examples of stories we've all learned to tell about ourselves, our lives, and our experiences. Many of them link thinking and feeling well with living well, and thinking and feeling discomfort with not doing or inaction. This is a trap.

Feelings and thoughts are fickle. They tend to come and go more or less on their own. Heck, I know that if I waited to feel "good" before reading a story to my 6 year old daughter, then she and I would be waiting a very long time (and she, in turn, wouldn't get story time). And worse, I would be spending a heck of a lot of time getting a handle on my thoughts and feelings, and that is just tiresome. I also know first hand that time and energy spent trying to feel and think better is time and energy away from living better.

And, nobody asks for the unpleasant thoughts and feelings that our minds and bodies dish out every once in a while. Anxiety happens. It's not a choice. Where we do have choice is in how we respond to the stuff showing up between our ears and in our bodies. This point is critical.

There is enough research out there showing that intense anxiety and fear doesn't invariably lead to life shattering problems. You and I are wired with the capacity to experience emotions intensely -- the good, the bad, and at times the ugly. It is easy to think we are alone with our emotional pain. Yet, millions of people all over the world (since the dawn of time) have had and continue to experience significant pain and emotional discomfort daily. Yet, somehow many of these same people find a way to live well with their discomfort and with very painful aspects of their past. They do that without wallowing in it, without drowning in it, and without disavowing the pain of life. They are simply unwilling to let their discomfort and raucous mind and body stand between them and what they want to do.

I've wondered about what little secret these folks have that allows them to do that. I think their secret is this: they don't take the bait -- the hooks that our minds can create that say "fix your pain, struggle with it, manage it, control it, and then you'll be happy and live better." Instead, they've learned to hold their thoughts more lightly and to focus on moving with their unpleasant mind and body in directions that they care about (e.g,. "I can fly with my anxious mind and body" if I am willing and chose to do that). And, they notice that their minds will continue to do what minds do -- provide an endless stream of thoughts in the form of stories, evaluations, judgments, thoughts about thoughts, thoughts about feelings, thoughts linking pain with action or inaction, and on and on. That's it. They notice it without getting caught up in it.

A powerful way to interrupt the cultural programing and our old histories is to practice just noticing our emotional life just as it is, and not as our mind and old programming says it is -- bad, awful, terrible, unacceptable, dangerous. This is something we can all learn to do. I've have more to say about this later.

The important thing for now is to practice recognizing the old story lines, and ask "if I do what I've always done, will I continue to get what I've always got." If the answer is yes (look to your experience here, not your mind because you mind will tell you that just maybe this time it will be different, you'll finally beat this discomfort for good), then perhaps it is time to do something different than you've done before. Pausing for a moment and just noticing your thoughts and reactions to them will likely be new for you. That's a good start on your journey out of anxiety and into a more vital life.

With a Kind Heart,
John P. Forsyth

Places Where Our Minds Dwell

Have a look at the picture to the right. I like that picture because it shows three places where our minds often take us. Here they are:
1. A past that once was
2. A future that has yet to happen
3. The present.

This is what minds do all the time. Yours, mine, and just about everyone, except for infants and very young children. If you've ever really watched them you will see that they live almost entirely in the here and now. Yet, once they start learning language, their minds gain the capacity to live in the future or wallow in a past that is long gone. This is both a blessing and a curse. Here's why:

My life and yours is lived out, moment by moment, in the here and now. That is where we are, and where we can act to make a difference in our lives. This understanding is key. Our minds will often quickly escort us in the past and future. Think about where your head was while taking a shower this morning (assuming that you did), and you'll know what I mean.

None of this is necessarily a bad thing mind you. Being able to remember and to foreshadow is a wonderful gift. These capacities can help us avoid repeating past mistakes, relish in old memories, and plan for what's to come. Yet, there is also a dark side to this piece. If we fail to recognize where our minds are taking us vs. where we are, we can miss opportunities to do the things that make a difference in our lives right where we are -- here, in this moment, fully present and alive.

And worse, we can start substituting our memories and predictions for our present experience, and can end up feeling stuck in endless re-runs of past mistakes, missed opportunities, and the like. In short, we can live more in our heads than in the moment. There is a stuckness to this that may sound familiar. I've been there many times and know what that is like. This is where mindfulness skills can help.

So, the next time your mind pulls you out of the present and leaves you feeling miserable or wallowing, just pause for a moment. Thank your mind for that reminder and see if you can gently guide your attention back to the here and now just where you are. Then ask yourself "what do I want to do now?" What do I want to be about, right here, right now?"

Here's another mantra. I borrowed it from my kids when they first were learning to ride the school bus. It goes like this: "Stop, Look, and Listen, or You Won't See What You're Missing." A good mantra to help remind us that we can't afford to miss the present, for it is in the present that we create our lives one small step at a time.

With a Kind Heart,
John

Problem Solving Run Amok

Here's a problem: 2 + 2 = ____. Go ahead and solve it.

Here's another: what is bigger a nickel or a dime? Answer, a dime of course.

Yet another problem: The paint is peeling in your living room. You've decided to do something about that. What would you do? Come up with some options. You can also consider these: balancing a checkbook, buying groceries to feed yourself, getting to work on time, taking out the garbage, and on and on.

Now, try out these problems. Think -- how have you tried to solve them?
1. I'm really anxious and I need to be calm.
2. I'm having disturbing thoughts and need to make them go away.
3. I'm in the middle of a panic attack and need to make it stop.
4. I'm reminded of painful memories and I need to turn them off.
5. I'm really angry and need to get that under control.
6. I'm sad and want to be happy.

You can even take problems like 1-6, and put them in this form:

If I [insert something you'd like to do or a place you'd like to go], then I may experience [insert something coming from your mind and body that you don't like very much]. Go ahead and solve this one with an eye on avoiding the "stuff" you don't like very much.

Here's the point. Problem solving works really well in the world around us. So, it makes perfect sense to apply problem solving to the stuff going inside of us, particularly the stuff we don't like very much.

The rub though is that we can't solve ourselves out of our own pain. Anxiety cannot be swapped out and replaced like the paint color on our living room wall. Upsetting thoughts, sadness, even anger cannot be thrown out like the garbage either.

Yet, we persist in trying to find solutions to our pain, in part, because that's what we've learned to do. And, we do it because that's what our culture has taught us to do -- when you think and feel well, then you will live well. Yet, a good deal of research confirms what you probably know already -- the solutions to the anxiety problem don't work long term, and in fact tend to expand and amplify the pain, and keep you stuck and miserable.

So, what are we to do? My suggestion, and it is only that, is to look at whether the anxiety problem needs to be solved for you to get your life back. Has it worked as you hoped? If not, then just maybe there is a way to let it be "just as it is" while doing what you care about in this life. This is something you can do. And, it may help reduce the suffering you experience with anxiety, or other forms of discomfort. You may then be freed up to get on with living your life as you wish without the shackles of anxiety holding you back. This is the point of ACT and the focus of our new workbook for people suffering with anxiety problems.

With a Kind Heart,
John